It Started at a Funeral
by FI91
Summary: People come and go out of each others lives when people least expect it, when people are the least prepared. And it's no different with love. It comes and goes and sometimes it never leaves. It may have started at a funeral but this love story is years in the making.


" **Never say goodbye because saying goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting"**

- **Peter Pan**

I hate funerals. They're too hard for me to go to. I don't want the last memory I have of someone to be of them in a glorified shoebox. I'm like fucking Peter Pan. I think of the happiest things. And funerals, funerals are not the happiest of things. And this one is no different from the others. The three I was forced to go to as a child, I stayed as far away from the casket as I could. I never allowed myself to see the bodies. Years went by before I attended another. I went to support Karma. It was the only funeral I wanted to go to. The only funeral where I saw an individual peacefully resting. Since then I haven't been to another and it's not because there weren't any to go to. It was because I hated to see the ones I love hurting. Today though, today I'm breaking that streak. I'm not here to pay my respects. I'm not here to have one last chance at saying goodbye. I'm here in the sea of black, for her. The girl I haven't seen in eight years.

I scan the room of faces, some familiar, others new, but, I can't find the one I want to see most. The one I came here for. I keep to myself in the back. Away from the chatter. Away from the reason to why everyone is gathered here. I take a step back into the hallway, escaping the noise. Escaping the sorrow. I find refuge in the nearly abandoned hallway and allow myself to roam. I'm about half way down the hallway when I stop in my tracks. That's when I see her, tucked away in her own little space. Away from her family and friends. She looks like she hasn't slept in days, and who could blame her. I watch her for a moment, as she stares out the window before I enter. She doesn't move. She doesn't flinch.

 _"Mom, I told you I don't want to come out."_

Oh, the jokes I could make, but I don't. I don't respond. I don't correct her. I take a step forward, putting more space between me and the door and less between me and her. She still remains still. I take a few steps closer and I can begin to smell the familiar scent of her perfume. I'm so close that I can reach out and touch her, but I don't. I watch as her body relaxes for a moment before letting out a deep breath I didn't know she was holding. I watch as she drops her head and turns towards me, arms crossed and eyes shut.

 _"Please don't make me go out there."_

I still say nothing. I just wait. I wait for her to lift her head. I wait for her to open her eyes. I wait for her to uncross her arms. I wait for her to see me. I hear her let out another deep breath before she turns her gaze to me. God have I missed those eyes.

 _"Amy?"_

 _"Hi."_

I don't have time to say anything else before I feel her arms wrapped around me. I take a second to adjust before I let my arms wrap around her, pulling her closer. I feel her rest her head on my body and I just pull her closer not wanting to let go. We stay like that for what feels like a lifetime but in reality it's probably only been a few minutes. She lets go first and looks up to me teary eyed. I move my thumb up to her face and gently wipe away the tears.

 _"My dad would love that you're here."_

 _"I'm sure he would. He always had a fondness for me."_

 _"I never would have thought you would be here today."_

 _"Why?"_

 _"We haven't talked or seen each other in eight years."_

 _"I know how long it's been."_

I do know how long it's been. But we're not fooling each other. She knows I've been keeping tabs on her and her life for the past however many years just like I know she's been keeping tabs on me.

 _"Sor-"_

 _"Don't."_

I watch as she shuts her mouth and looks to me again.

 _"I would be here even if twenty years have gone by without seeing or talking to you."_

She doesn't respond verbally and just nods her head, pausing a moment before distancing herself from me. I watch as she walks to the other side of the room and takes a seat.

 _"Why are you here? You didn't have to come. I mean it's been eight years Amy. Other people that I have loved have passed away. Why today?"_

 _"None of those people were your dad."_

It's true. None of those other people were her dad, but, that's not why. It's only part of the reason.

 _"Right. My dad."_

The way she said those words, I can't even describe what it sounded like. It's like a mix of disappointment and realization. Like she wanted to hear a different answer but my answer reminded her of where we are. Almost as if she forgot.

 _"Do you want to get out of here?"_

 _"I don't want to go out there."_

 _"I know. I meant get out of this place. We can go someplace and just escape, even if it's only for a few hours."_

 _"Where?"_

 _"I know the perfect place."_

I watch as she gets up and walks to the door. I watch as her hand plays with the doorknob. Like she's scared to face whatever is on the other side. I walk up to her and take her hand off the knob, knowing we will never leave if I let her stay there. As our hands fall I let mine entwine with hers. I almost forgot how soft her skin was. I almost forgot how well our hands fit together. I watch her as her eyes drop to our laced fingers and I gently squeeze her hand bringing her attention back to me.

 _"Lets go."_

I don't wait for her to indicate she's ready. I don't wait for her to respond. I just open the door and walk her down the hall and outside to my car. I let her in my car and slowly close the door behind her. She looks so relieved to be sitting in there away from everything and everyone. I watched her for a moment before walking to the other side of the car. As I put the key in the ignition I feel her hand on mine, stopping me.

 _"Wait."_

I pull the key out and turn to face her.

 _"Are you sure you want to go? We can go back in."_

 _"No. I want to go. Its just I don't want to leave him."_

 _"We'll be back, I promise. And when we do all these people will be gone and it will be just you and him."_

 _"What about you?"_

 _"What about me?"_

 _"Will you be there with me?"_

I smile at her and her question.

 _"If you want me there, I'll be there."_

 _"I want you there."_

 _"I'll be there then."_

I watch as her lips curl up for what feels like the first time since I've seen her. Her hand moves off mine and the keys, giving me the okay to go without actually saying it. Starting the car feels like we're running away but I know that, that isn't the case. Running away would be not coming back and we are coming back. We're just postponing. Stopping time. Taking a pause. And I think that's what she needs now more than ever. She needs to be able to breath again. We drive in silence mostly because I don't know what to say and because she doesn't know what she's allowed to ask. As I pull into the parking lot I can feel her eyes on me.

 _"You brought me here?"_

 _"I did."_

 _"You do know what this place is right?"_

 _"I do."_

I brought her to her dads favorite park. Her dad use to bring her here all the time as a child. Her favorite memories and stories of him are all from here. As she got older she came less with him and more with others. Many times with me. I remember she brought me here for our first date. Like her, I have great memories from this place.

 _"You brought me here of all places?"_

 _"I wanted to take you to a place where it didn't feel like you were leaving him. I wanted you to feel like he's still around."_

 _"Thank you."_

As I unbuckle myself I can feel her gaze on me.

 _"Where are you going?"_

 _"I didn't bring you here to just sit in my car."_

I start to walk away as she watches me from her seat. I'm not going to let her sit and mope. She needs to get out and do something. God knows she did enough moping in that room before I got there. I get about half way to the playground before I hear the door slam behind me.

 _"You're not seriously going to get in the slide are you?"_

 _"Yupp."_

 _"I'm too old to be doing this."_

I ignore her claim at being too old and go in the slide. I know she'll come in eventually. She's stubborn but I know she'll give in. This was her hiding spot when she was younger. She would stay tucked away in the tube, hidden from sight and just think. Her dad would follow her in 80% of the time and they would just sit in there and talk and when it came to coming out she would always laugh because he always ended up getting stuck. But it never stopped him from going in with her. She brought me in here many times while we were dating just to talk and share memories. It's always been a space where she feels comfortable talking. The question is if that's still true now.

 _"It's about time you joined me."_

 _"You do know I haven't been in here since I was a teenager, right?"_

Translation. She hasn't been in here since me.

 _"It's not like I hangout in slides in my spare time either."_

She doesn't say anything for a while and I desperately want to break the silence but I know she just needs a minute to collect herself and her thoughts.

 _"I miss him."_

 _"I know you do."_

 _"He was such a big part of my life, I don't know what to do now that he's gone."_

 _"It's okay to miss him and it's okay to be sad. You're allowed to not know what to do, but I don't want you locking yourself away from the rest of your life. He wouldn't want that."_

 _"I know. I just couldn't make myself see him. I know he's gone, but seeing him laying there, it just makes it real. I'm not ready for real yet."_

 _"Do you think you'll ever be ready?"_

 _"I have to be. I just can't ignore it. I've spent too much time ignoring things and people in my life that I shouldn't."_

 _"You've never been the ignoring type. What changed?"_

 _"You hungry?"_

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she is the ignoring type.

 _"When am I not hungry?"_

 _"True. What do say we grab something to eat before we go back?"_

 _"Did you have a place in mind?"_

 _"I do. And when we get there maybe we can finish this conversation?"_

 _"I'd like that."_

 _"Good."_

I smile at her before twisting my body so I'm able to go down the rest of the slide. I wait for at the bottom like she always did for me when we were teenagers. And when she finally emerges it's like she's a whole new person. She looks relieved. She looks happy.

The car ride to the restaurant is different then the one to the park. She's still doesn't talk besides the occasional 'take a left' or 'turn right here' but her whole demeanor has changed. She's starting to look like the girl I remember. The girl I miss. The girl I lost.

The restaurant is less of a restaurant and more of a diner. It's small and empty and looks like something out of the fifties. She wastes no time getting out of the car this time and is sitting in a booth before I even get my seatbelt off. I take a seat across from her and am getting ready to grab the menu when I hear her actually say something besides 'left' and 'right'.

 _"Don't bother. I already ordered."_

I let go of the small laminated piece of paper and face her.

 _"Are we going to talk about us or are we going to wait until someone else we love dies before we see each other again?"_

She just jumps right in there. Doesn't even give me the opportunity to choke on my water.

 _"Us?"_

 _"Yeah. Are you going to tell me the real reason to why you came? I know it's not because of my dad."_

Something's never change. She's still as direct and forward as always.

 _"Can we work up to that?"_

 _"You could win an Oscar for your work in avoidance, you know that?"_

 _"I'm not avoiding. I'm just postponing."_

 _"And the Oscar for avoiding goes to Amy Raudenfeld."_

 _"I'm telling you I'm not avoiding. You can ask me anything and I'll answer it. All I'm asking is that you don't ask that."_

 _"Fine. Why haven't you tried to contact me?"_

 _" I can ask you the same question. It's not like I'm the only one who didn't pick up the phone. And you and I both know, even though we didn't call, it doesn't mean we didn't keep in touch. Lauren gave me monthly updates. I've always been apart of your life even though you never saw me."_

 _"Did you ever think that I wanted to see you?"_

 _"I thought about it, but it wasn't that simple. I couldn't just show up on your doorstep."_

 _"Why couldn't you?"_

 _"I tried that once before, remember? And if I recall correctly, it didn't end in my favor."_

 _"It wouldn't have been like that."_

 _"Yes it would have. You had Heather and after Heather there was Brooke, then Zoey and you can't forget Sydney and Savannah. And in those few and far between times you didn't have someone I did. I ha-"_

 _"I know the list. Sabrina, then Quinn and after Quinn I remember a Peyton, an Olivia, a Riley and then Brooklyn."_

 _"So you see how showing up at your door wouldn't have been an option. Timing has never been our ally and I learned to accept that years ago."_

 _"What if the timing isn't perfect but at the same time it's right?"_

 _"What do you mean?"_

 _"I mean you couldn't have picked a worse time to come back into my life but you came when I needed you most. Our timing is never going to be something that works for us. And let's be honest even when we were together it never was on our side but I feel like this is our time. I don't want to pretend anymore Amy. I don't want to waste another eight years of my life. If I learned anything from my dad dying it's that you can't predict what's going to happen tomorrow or the next day, all that you can do is make the most of the day you're living now."_

And here I thought grand gestures and speeches were my thing.

 _"You think that this is our time?"_

 _"I don't know. I just don't want to say goodbye and risk the chance of not having another shot."_

 _"You asked me earlier why I came today. I wasn't lying when I said I came for your dad. A small piece of me did come for him, but a bigger part of me came for you. You said I'm good at avoiding and that's true, but, I don't want to avoid anymore. I've spent so much time and energy running and trying so hard to forget and I can't do that anymore. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to say goodbye after today, because saying goodbye means one of us is leaving and that's the last thing I want."_

 _"So where does that leave us?"_

 _"I guess it depends on what 'us' you want."_

 _"I want a new version of the old us. A matured version. A version that doesn't run."_

 _"What if that version of 'us' doesn't exist?"_

 _"Than we can find one that does. I'm tired of hiding in the background of your life. I want to be apart of it. A part that exists in it everyday. A part that exists next to you and not thousands of miles away."_

I want to have what she wants. But I know it's going to be harder to have that, then what it sounds like. We can't just pick up where we left off.

 _"Reagan, your dad just passed away. This is probably the worst possible time to start something with each other."_

 _"I know that, but I can't help but to think that he brought you back to me. Amy I thought I lost you forever when we broke up. I never thought I would get a second chance with you, until today. Im not just going to let you walk away."_

 _"Reagan-"_

 _"Amy. I was hiding out in a room by myself at my dads funeral. Then you came and you took me to the one place where it made me feel like he was still here. No one else would have done that besides you. You've always found a way to make me feel like I'm not alone, you've always made me feel loved. You're the only one besides my dad who has ever been able to make me feel that way. And for you to show up after he's gone isn't just a coincidence I can look past."_

For once I find myself speechless. What can I possibly say after that?

 _"Amy? Can you please say something?"_

 _"Reagan you have always been the one that got away. And I would be incredibly stupid to let you slip away again. But we have so much to figure out before we can be an 'us' again"_

 _"Lets figure it out then."_

 _"Okay. How do you want to handle the long distance? It's not exactly easy being two thousand miles away from each other."_

 _"I'll move. I don't have any family left here. Theres nothing keeping me here anymore. And if there was I would still move if it meant you giving us another chance."_

 _"What about the past eight years?"_

 _"What about them?"_

 _"I'm not the same girl I was when we dated. I've changed so much. What if you don't love this version of me?"_

 _"Amy, I would any version of you."_

 _"How is this so easy for you?"_

 _"The better question is how is not easy for you?"_

She's right. Why am I delaying and second guessing this? Im not fooling anyone not even myself. I love Reagan and I've never stopped. I think thats what makes it so hard. I've loved her for eight years, without her being there. It's easy in a way to love someone who isn't there because the fear of losing them doesn't matter because it doesn't exit. You can't lose something you don't have. But losing something that you do have, thats what leads to broken hearts. Thats what leads to being destroyed and I don't know if I can experience that kind of pain again.

 _"I don't know if I could survive losing you again Reagan. I want to be with you. I just don't know if I can let myself be open to the possibility of you not being there again."_

 _"I promise if you just say 'yes' I will never leave, even if you ask me to leave, I will stay. Because I don't know if I could survive losing you again either."_

Are we really doing this? Do I finally get to stop running? Am I finally getting her back?

" _What do you say we head back to see your dad?"_

 _"We didn't even eat yet and more importantly we didn't finish this conversation."_

 _"The food is cold because we didn't stop talking long enough to eat and we did finish."_

I know we didn't finish, because finishing would imply that I gave her an answer and I didn't. I just need her to be by her dad when I do answer.

 _"Come on. We have to get back. I promised I would bring you back in time so you can have time with him."_

I can feel her frustration with me but I know it would be worse if we stay here longer and she misses the opportunity to be by her dad. The car ride is silent. And as we pull into the parking lot Reagan already has her seatbelt off and is opening the door before I even turn the ignition off. I give her some space and watch as she walks back into the building before following behind. We're the only ones here and I'm extremely thankful for that, because as I see Reagan stand in front of her dad completely composed, I know its only a matter of time before she crumbles. I walk to her slowly and take her hand as I stand next to her.

 _"I don't know what to say? How do I not know what to say to my own dad?"_

 _"Just talk to him as if he was here."_

 _"Can you start?"_

 _"Yeah. Of course."_

I don't know what to say either but not because of Reagan's reason but because I don't know how to say it.

 _"Hi, Mr. Romano or Jack. You always did hate when I called you Mr. Romano. I'm sorry its been so long since I've seen you. I never imagined this would be how I would see you again. I always pictured it differently. But things change as you know."_

I take a moment to look to Reagan, only to see her looking down at her dad.

 _"You've had a lot of people visit you today. You were loved and still are loved by so many. You're especially loved and missed greatly by your daughter. You raised an incredible woman, who I'm incredibly in love with, and I wish I had the opportunity to tell you that while you were still here. And I just want to let you know I'm going to do my best to give her everything she deserves and I'm going to love her every minute of everyday for as long as she will let me."_

I know her eyes aren't on her dad anymore and that they're focused on me.

" _I want her to come home with me because if you taught me anything in all the time that I've known you it's that Reagan isn't someone that you can just say goodbye too, no one in the Romano family is for that matter and I couldn't survive if I lost her again. I need her in my life like I need to breath. I know you can't respond but I just wanted to tell you because you're important to Reagan and I know she would love you to be the first to know about us."_

As the last word leaves my mouth I let myself look to Reagan. And that look, that look is what makes me weak in the knees.

" _Did you mean that?"_

 _"Every word."_

I watch as her eyes move back to her dad and I move closer to her; holding her instead of her hand.

" _Hi dad. If you couldn't tell, Amy is here. You somehow brought her back to me. You've always had a way of doing that; giving me what I need the most, exactly when I need it. I'm going to miss that. I'm going to miss you, but I'm not going to say goodbye. Mainly because I'm horrible at them but also because I dont want to forget. And goodbyes lead to forgetting. And I never want to forget you and everything you have done for me. You showed me what love is. And I can't thank you enough for that because you're the reason to why I know I can't let this beautiful women next to me go. You're the reason why I believe in so many things; why I have so much and I promise to live everday of my life never taking any of it for granted. I love you so much dad and I hope youre preparing yourself for late night conversations because I promise to never stop talking to you. That way I never have to say goodbye. And will always say 'talk to you soon'."_

I give Reagan a minute to see if she has anything left to say but before I can shes grabbing my hand and intwinng our fingers. And she's pulling us away towards the door.

 _"Are you ready to go home?"_

Home. It's weird hearing her say that. It's been so long since we've been each others home.

 _"Home sounds perfect."_

I smile at her, wondering how I finally got to be here in this place with her and as we reach the door I wonder what it's going to be like in the real world and not this secluded one we've been in all day. And as I'm about to push the door open to find out, she stops me and turns back to her dad.

 _"I love you dad. I'll talk to you later, I promise."_

And before I can register what she said I'm outside and shes pulling me into her; her lips moving closer to mine. I smile as her lips touch mine. It's foreign and familiar at the same time but it's perfect. I kiss her back with everything I have; like somehow it will make up for the eight years I haven't been able to kiss her. And if I could pick any moment to last forever, it would be this one. But like all moments they eventually have to come to an end and I feel her start to pull away. Her lips now just hovering over mine. My eyes are still shut as I feel her resting there; like she doesn't want to let go but remembering she still needs to breath. And I let the air back into my lungs before finally opening my eyes, only to see her staring back at me.

 _"I've been waiting all day to be able to do that."_

I would be lying if I said I haven't been waiting for the same thing.

 _"Do me a favor. Next time don't wait so long."_

 _"I don't think I could ever wait again."_

 _"Me either."_

I could stand here forever kissing her, but I know we have to leave.

 _"Ready to go home?"_

 _"I've always been ready."_

It's weird to think before today, I didn't know if any of this was possible. Now I'm standing here after just kissing the love of my life and we're going home together. We're going to start a life together after so much time apart. And I couldn't be any happier. I couldn't be any more thankful. I couldn't be more in love, then I am now. And it's weird to think that it started at a funeral but her and I aren't kidding anyone. We may have reconnected here, but our love story, our love story started before we even began. And this is only the start of something new, that has always existed.


End file.
